____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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