We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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