I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
