I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
