So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
