we're chasing vodka with high fives
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
