I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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