Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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