So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize