i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
