Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am naked and annoyed.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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