your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
