Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
