I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
