the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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