i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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