I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
