Umm I'm too high to move.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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