I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize