Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
