I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
