I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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