why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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