If that was your dad, he is hot
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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