Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
