sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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