Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize