i think my mom watched the whole time
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
