forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He passed out mid-signature
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
