Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
