Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
