if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She has the best kind of daddy issues
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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