You made me cry and you don't even care
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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