I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ketchup is God's man juice
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
