I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
