Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
