My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
