was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
