I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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