Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize