I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i think im in europe. pls send help
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
