how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize