You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
