Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
