so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
