If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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