So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
