see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
