hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
