Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
