forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
