someone threw a dead crab at me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
