At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
