Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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