all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
