i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
