Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
