Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's rum buckets o'clock
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
dude. I can hear the air.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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